You Come on Big When You're Feeling Small

There is so much going on in the world of politics. But today I really want to take my monthly break from posting about that to instead reflect a bit on life.

John Prine was an amazing songwriter. One of my favorite songs of his is “Speed of the Sound of Loneliness.” In that song there is a life lesson of a line. It is, “You come on big when you’re feeling small.”  Such a simple truth. We, all of us, tend to come on big when we are feeling our smallest, our most insecure.

Think about it.

That man at the bank yelling at the bank teller – is he really that mad about the bank’s check clearing policy or could it be he is scared because his balance is so low and his need so great?

That bully in the schoolyard – could it be he is imitating similar behavior that is directed toward him at home?

That airline passenger that handles almost everything poorly – is it because travel makes her so anxious or because her mind is already at the other end of the journey where a dying relative or the unknown of a new job awaits her?

That parent obsessively directing small tasks such as the yardwork or the cleaning out of the garage – is it because the bigger things in life feel so much out of his control?

That spouse that says that awful, time-stopping thing during the argument – did it happen at the very moment she herself felt hurt the most or in the moment she saw her own shortcomings laid so clearly bare?

That amazing comedian – could the humongous-ness of that performance be born of a coping mechanism that helped him deal with the pain of his childhood?

That person refusing what seems to others to be the simplest of requests from a police officer – is it because he too often has been targeted or made to feel less than or has heard the horror stories of another’s experience?

And for that matter, that police officer who forgets her training or uses too much force – could it be because that high-speed pursuit or the unknown of what may follow it leaves her fearing for her or her partner’s life or because the weight of a thankless, stressful job has finally become too much?

Or even that president, the most powerful man on the planet – is he his nastiest when asked a question by a reporter that he can’t answer or when something has been said about him that makes him feel slighted?

I’m not excusing, condoning, or justifying bad behavior.  And I’m not absolving people from their personal responsibility over their actions or freeing them from the need to control their worst instincts.  But I am saying this song lyric, that so simply and accurately describes one of the complexities of human nature, does provide some insight into why it happens.  And in the knowing, we can effect a change, both within ourselves and in our interactions with others.

Within myself, it has helped me to dial back my own reactions in those moments when I too am feeling small. And in the moments when I don’t manage to dial it back in time, it has helped me get to “I’m sorry” just a little quicker.

Within my interactions with others, the older I get, the more examples of this phenomenon I tend to be able to identify and, so, the more I try to observe others gently.  Often ascribed to Viktor Frankl is the quote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Indeed.

So the next time you see a reaction that seems too big, instead of ratcheting up the tension even more, maybe try to find a way to help the person feel less small in that moment.